TEN REASONS WHY
SIR FRANCIS BACON
IS MORE AWESOME
THAN YOU
by Erty Seidel
Done in the style of Cracked and The Oatmeal
1. He has his own modern society, named after him.
Do you have your own society, named after you, that's still in existence long after your death? Probably not, considering you're not dead yet. These people are known as Baconians. You can join them if they consider you to be Baconian enough. They publish the journal Baconiana. They have crazy-awesome conspiracy theories and real-life meetings.
2. He had his own secret society, back in the day.
Good job on keeping that secret, guys. I mean come on, when people have written books on your secret society, the cat's kind of out of the bag. Anyway it was a group of Elizabethan-era guys meeting in secret to discuss their poetry, books, and plays. Pretty cool, amiright? (I am right.)
3. He might have been William Shakespeare.
Are you William Shakespeare? No? Then Sir Francis Bacon is still better than you. In fact, the authorship of many of Shakespeare's plays is disputed among the Stratfordians and Baconians. Since authorship was so loosely defined in the Elizabethan era (during which Shakespeare and Bacon both worked), it is possible that some (or all!) of Shakespeare's plays might have been written by Bacon.
I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.
4. He has his own scientific method named after him.
Do you like science? Sir Francis Bacon liked science so much that he wrote a whole book, the Novum Organum (1620) all about the scientific method. Which hadn't even been invented yet. And Bacon didn't just do it because he liked empiricism and rationality. He did it also because he thought that Aristotle's method really sucked mold. Everyone had been using Aristotle's book for hundreds of years, and Bacon tore it to shreds. Bam! Baconian Method.
5. Bacon might have had a secret code that hasn't been cracked.
This secret code would tell us that Bacon actually wrote Shakespeare's plays. People have been trying to find it since forever, because it would clear up a lot of questions. Maybe you have a secret code, but Sir Francis Bacon one-ups you because his code might not even exist.
6. He is a proper English Knight.
But he really didn't buy into all of that feudalism crap. He was a rebel, and if you want to imagine him on a motorcycle that's cool with me. Bacon was the main guy who made it so that Parliament set the Crown's pay, instead of the Crown setting the Crown's pay, which was good because the Crown liked money a lot. Bacon also said things like "The truth can never be reached by listening to the voice of authority." Rebellious! "Knowledge is power" is a Baconian quote. And he said things like "Laws are made to guard the rights of the people, not to feed lawyers." He said that last one right to Parliament, too. Dude had some cojones.
I have a neck-ruffle; your argument is invalid.
7. He wrote some kick-ass stuff.
Like the Novum Organum, which I already talked about but it's so cool I'm bringing it up again. If Bacon wasn't Shakespeare, that doesn't matter, because Bacon wrote a bunch of essays anyway. They have awesome titles, like Of Truth, Of Death, Of Love, or Of Vicissitude of Things. (Vicissitude!) Bacon liked telling people what he thought (see #6). The essays are kind of dense, but they were probably fun to read back when people had an attention span longer than ten seconds. Kids these days!
8. He was a lord chancellor, a baron, and other awesome titles.
What were you, like prom queen or something? Seriously, this Bacon guy went right through a bunch of titles that are too long to list in that title because my font is too big. Under James I, Bacon became the Lord Chancellor, which was the highest political office of the time, except actually being king or whatever. Bacon was also the attorney-general. He even prosecuted someone. Have you done that? He also held the positions of Lord Keeper, Solicitor-General and Clerkship of the Star Chamber, which is probably the most kick-ass title since they started giving people fancy names like Clerkship of the Star Chamber.
9. He got kicked out of government.
Okay, so this part wasn't so epic. Bacon did some... things, and some other things, and got convicted so hard on 23 counts of corruption that he didn't even defend himself. But that's cool, right? I mean, he apologized and everything, and paid his ₤40,000. Bacon was behind on his payments for his whole life, actually. Give the man a break.
10. His last name is "Bacon".
Listen, even if you're a vegetarian or vegan, you have to admit that "Bacon" is an awesome word. And if you're a meat-eater then I don't even need to tell you why having the last name of "Bacon" makes him more awesome than anyone without the last name of "Bacon" can ever be.